Home Stretch

Well, once again, I let it get to be a month before posting anything. There hasn't been that much to report lately- injections, estrogen patches, (yawn) repeat. I've been managing to keep myself busy though to try to make the time go by quicker and I can't believe it is 1 week from today that I will have 2 of the frozen embies transplanted!

I've had my 35th birthday (yippee!!) We did go to celebrate in the cutest little town of Eureka Springs, Arkansas where I had such a good time with Matt! We had a great time on Halloween with my Dad and step-mom Jeanne coming over from Topeka and my bro-in-law, Scott, coming from Fresno. I love planning parties! Now, I'm focused on Thanksgiving- we will have my Mom and and step-dad Dave, Matt's parents and his brother Scott- maybe even Dad and Jeanne! I'll get the menu planned, everything purchased, etc and then leave the hard work (cooking & cleaning) to Matt and whoever wants to be his kitchen helper! I am going to order a turkey and a few sides though from our awesome little grocery store- take some of the pressure off Matt! I've been having dinner with friends, doing tons of work dinners, and house projects (cleaning and organizing closets- who knew we had so much crap stuffed all over the place!). Good times. All to keep my mind off what is going to happen in just a few short days.

My good friend gave me this really cool journal a little while back. It has this picture of a heart with wings on the cover. The idea is to fill the journal with all my fears and worries so they aren't weighing on my heart and mind. Set them free from me- once they are in the journal, I can't keep worrying about them (so that's the idea anyway). It is a type-A persons meditation I guess. It is difficult for me to just be still and let my thoughts wander- I am much better at getting things on paper- it feels productive. I'm a chronic list-maker and this is a "worry list"- essentially. There are a lot of worries and fears that I don't feel comfortable expressing to others so this journal is perfect- I love it. I'm sure the types of entries will vary greatly over time- but for now here is a short list of some of them (not the super-duper private ones though- I know better than that!):

1. This is an obvious one, but- what if it doesn't work?!

1a. If it doesn't work, when do we try to use the last frozen embryo?

2. What if it does work, but only 1 "sticks"- will I feel guilty that I know they are both technically viable, but maybe my body couldn't handle 2?

3. What if it doesn't work and I have all these people at my house for Thanksgiving- will I have a complete meltdown?! Oh yeah- I take the 1st beta test (blood test) the day before Thanksgiving! Eek.

4. What if I get swine flu? (With my job- this is a serious concern)- I did get the regular flu vaccine which was a huge step for me because I've never had the flu shot in my whole life and they kind of freak me out. BUT, I know I'd feel super guilty if I didn't get the vaccine and then something happened...

5. No way am I getting the swine flu vaccine... will people think I'm crazy?!

6. What if it doesn't work

7. What if it doesn't work

8. What if it doesn't work...

You get the picture- I'm pretty much obsessing over this fear right now. It is totally natural I know, but it can be a bit overwhelming at times. I have an hour and a half massage scheduled before I go to Colorado and on the day of transfer, not only will I take the Valium, but I'll have acupuncture before and after the procedure to help keep me "calm". My awesome friends (J&P) gave me a gift certificate for the spa for my birthday! They know exactly what this whole process is like- she is just over 3 months pregnant from her IVF at CCRM. Relax. Calm. Breathe.

I'm also excited- excited about all the possibilities! I'd love to be able to have something wonderful to toast (with a glass of grape juice) on Thanksgiving with our families. I love thinking about the possibility of twins, kids names, the dogs having human siblings... all that fun stuff. But I always abate that excitement a little bit. I think when you go through IVF, or any fertility treatments, you don't feel like you can ever be too excited (there's always the possibility of the major disappointment- which we've felt several times in the past). So, I'm cautiously optimistic.

There is definitely a strange mix of emotions going on right now. I'm sure they are made all the more intense with the mix of meds I have- lots of estrogen (4 patches at a time) and soon I'll be adding a steroid, antibiotic and progesterone. Oh, the tinkering with mother nature. So, over the next few days, I'll be SUPER busy with whatever I can get my hands on....Thanksgiving planning- maybe even Christmas planning, getting our new washer and dryer I just bought last night (NEVER did I think I'd be the kind of person excited over front-loaders, but oh my- they are so awesome), dinner with friends, re-organizing another closet or 2, planning Cooper's 6th birthday (can't forget his birthday- Nov. 27th!), maybe I'll find something to re-upholster... (joke for Matt). We leave here on Saturday the 14th and will have a quick stop-over in Salina to drop off Cooper again (Barley gets to stay in KC at doggie daycare) and we'll be back in KC on Thursday the 19th.

Yeah!! The countdown has begun!